Hello my fuzzy friends! It’s your boy Barnaby. I’ve been on a bit of a sabbatical for the last couple weeks but I’m back and ready for action. Speaking of action, how about those squirrels? You know what I’m talking about, you hound dog.
I’m going to give you some highly classified information about squirrel warfare. They come in our yards and try to steal any treats we leave lying around. And, if I’m being honest, they’re just plain annoying. Now for what I’m about to share with you, I normally charge my clients three easy payments of $19.99 and a bucket of Milk Bones but for you, it’s free. Just because I like ya. Buckle up, Bichons. It’s time to defend your honor.
Step 1: Treat All Squirrels As If They’re A Threat.
Here’s the scenario:
Your human let you into the backyard to do your dirty work and enjoy a bit of sunshine. You step one paw into the grass and there it is. A squirrel staring at you while it bounces its bushy tail. What would you do?
A) Run back inside and send out the cat.
B) Ignore it like your mom ignores her Tinder matches.
C) Attack it with the same intensity that you attack a compromised slice of cheese.
D) Play dead.
The answer is of course C. It doesn’t matter how small, cute, or fluffy of a squirrel it is. Your one and only job is to run at it full force with the fury of every flea you’ve ever known. The squirrel will inevitably run onto your fence or nearby telephone lines. If you really want to give ’em the ol’ razzle-dazzle, throw your body against the fence as hard as you possibly can. The closer you come to knocking the entire fence down, the better.
Step 2: Run Fast And Look Mean.
Follow that squirrel the length of the yard back and forth as many times as you need to. Once the squirrel is out of sight, keep doing it just for good measure. You’ll know you’re done when you’ve successfully worn the grass down to a muddy strip.
Bark, growl, and show them your chompers. I don’t care if you’re a cuddly puppy that cries when you watch The Notebook. To this squirrel, you’re a highly trained fighting machine that rips the stuffing out of squeaky toys and isn’t afraid to poop in a Louboutin!
Step 3: Go For Their Nuts.
Squirrels love nuts and acorns. Take away their food and you take away their survival. If you see some nuts laying around your yard, scoop them up and gently gnaw on them. DO NOT SWALLOW. Wait until your mom or dad notices that you’re chewing on something. When they inevitably come over and try to take it out of your mouth, then swallow it. I don’t know why. This is just what we do. Don’t question the process, just let it happen.
What To Do If You Successfully Capture A Squirrel
Alright, kids. I’m going to level with you. You’re probably never going to actually capture a squirrel but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. If you ever get a squirrel within your reach, DON’T TOUCH IT. It may be rabid and if you get bit, it’s the cone of shame and lots of shots for you. Trust me. Been there, done that, got the cone to prove it.
Good luck and happy squirrel hunting! This is Barnaby, over and out!
Remember, always be decisive. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision!
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